Like all right-thinking people who spent formative years in the 80s, I am a huge fan of the song “Friday, I’m in love” by The Cure.
The song is great overall, but there’s one line in particular that pops up in my mind when I’m not doing so well. “Thursday doesn’t even start”*.
Yesterday didn’t start for me.
I woke up in a very ‘clenched’ mood – anxious and dreading the day. Because I had an appointment with my trainer at 9:30, I had just talked myself into getting up but just in case, I checked my email from bed just in case she might email saying she couldn’t make it. To my relief, she had.
That was it for the day. No studying WordPress, no exercising, nothing of the kind of thing that makes me feel better about myself. I spent the day on Twitter and Facebook, becoming increasingly despairing of the world as I read about the Ray Rice video.
I finally managed to dig myself out of it at 5, when I had to go meet Bill at the pool. We recently decided to start swimming on Fridays and Mondays and since I had all the swimming stuff, I had to go or he wouldn’t be able to swim. I managed 500m (up from 400m on Friday) but the tight, clenched feeling that had been in charge all day had tired me out and I was finding it hard to catch my breath. I waited in the hot tub until he was done).
The part that’s additionally frustrating about that kind of day is that somewhere inside me, I know that if I just did something, anything, the momentum could be enough to carry me forward. So on top of feeling terrible all day, I beat myself up about not doing something to help myself. (Then I beat myself up for beating myself up. Don’t worry, I got this covered.)
I took a Nytol and went to bed early. Slept about 10 hours, but at least I slept.
Today has started. I’m going to yoga this morning, meeting with a financial panther this afternoon, and teaching scuba this evening. At the Shambhala retreat I attended a couple of weeks ago, someone quoted this phrase from the Rainer Maria Rilke poem “Go to the limits of your longing”: “No feeling is final.” I was telling myself that a lot yesterday and today I am reassured that it’s true.
*Actually, that song has depression pretty well nailed with a few of their Thursdays. “Watch the walls instead” is also a good description of those days. I know the other days talk about some pretty bleak feelings too, but those Thursdays. Man.